I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
