i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
do herpes really smell.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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