I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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