The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
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I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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