I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
