So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
