My hand turned me down
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
