I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
