So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
