Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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