I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
