woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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