so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
