Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
