I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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