Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
