I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
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Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Floor bacon is actually really good
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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