I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
