my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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