My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
