You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
