Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
