You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
