After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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