I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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