Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
