Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
