Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
