She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
