i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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