stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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