So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
