dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
