I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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