my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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