i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
