I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
