My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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