someone threw a dead crab at me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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