The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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