Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
