Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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