My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
