We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
