I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
