The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
