My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
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