she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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