You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
