be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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