hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
