Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
