I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
