Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
