you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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