I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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