I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
