I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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