So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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