I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
