I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
