She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
