Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
